Oh Boy

I'm going through storage bins. Making piles of things to give and throw away.

Baby clothes.

Things I've kept for far too long already. Bert will be four next March, after all. And it doesn't look like there will be another baby... maybe, maybe, but probably not. Even though Bert told me for the hundredth time today that he would like us to have two kids. One two.

Me, too.

I was doing ok earlier today. Picking through, choosing one or two things to keep. Keepsakes for when Bert's older. Dividing the rest into little piles for nephews, getting rid of a lot because Bert just spat up so so much as a baby. But I'm back at it now, and I'm getting that feeling again. That heaviness on my chest. It's actually hard to breathe. If I let myself, I know I could have a good hard cry.

And sometimes I do let myself. But not today. Because today there is a joy that's greater than the pain. Somehow even part of it. Earlier today I realized for sure that, even given the chance, I would not take this small sorrow out of my heart. Because through it God is showing me His Immense Love. Through it He is shaping me into the "me" He always had in mind. A better "me" than I would be if I just got my way. His Love is slaying me. And as I die to myself a little more each day (I have far to go, and it is slow work for Him) He awakens me to Himself.

I can't explain it. I don't have words. But I keep trying. I think He wants me to.

If you are weary, take heart. Literally. Take His heart into yours. It's not complicated, just ask Him.

If you suffer, suffer still. Suffer joyfully. Ask Him to help in this, too. I asked so very many times for help on this one. I'm still asking. But boy, does He answer.

And if you feel alone, know that you are loved. You are so so loved that if you even had an inkling of how much your heart might just explode.

And I love you, too.

Thanks for reading, Fagin. Thanks for listening while I talk everything through with you. It is a gift to have such a friend. Many don't.

much love,

Hook