Oh Boy

I'm going through storage bins. Making piles of things to give and throw away.

Baby clothes.

Things I've kept for far too long already. Bert will be four next March, after all. And it doesn't look like there will be another baby... maybe, maybe, but probably not. Even though Bert told me for the hundredth time today that he would like us to have two kids. One two.

Me, too.

I was doing ok earlier today. Picking through, choosing one or two things to keep. Keepsakes for when Bert's older. Dividing the rest into little piles for nephews, getting rid of a lot because Bert just spat up so so much as a baby. But I'm back at it now, and I'm getting that feeling again. That heaviness on my chest. It's actually hard to breathe. If I let myself, I know I could have a good hard cry.

And sometimes I do let myself. But not today. Because today there is a joy that's greater than the pain. Somehow even part of it. Earlier today I realized for sure that, even given the chance, I would not take this small sorrow out of my heart. Because through it God is showing me His Immense Love. Through it He is shaping me into the "me" He always had in mind. A better "me" than I would be if I just got my way. His Love is slaying me. And as I die to myself a little more each day (I have far to go, and it is slow work for Him) He awakens me to Himself.

I can't explain it. I don't have words. But I keep trying. I think He wants me to.

If you are weary, take heart. Literally. Take His heart into yours. It's not complicated, just ask Him.

If you suffer, suffer still. Suffer joyfully. Ask Him to help in this, too. I asked so very many times for help on this one. I'm still asking. But boy, does He answer.

And if you feel alone, know that you are loved. You are so so loved that if you even had an inkling of how much your heart might just explode.

And I love you, too.

Thanks for reading, Fagin. Thanks for listening while I talk everything through with you. It is a gift to have such a friend. Many don't.

much love,

Hook

Mother of Small Children

Dear Fagin,

I don't mean to be all "stuck in a rut", topic wise. Promise. But Our Dear Lord keeps sending me the most beautiful inspirations and promises, and I CAN'T not share this one.

You see, he led me to think about Bert. You know how his shoes are always too big? (If there's anyone else reading, Bert has a thing for shoes. And darn it if he doesn't always sniff out a new (used) pair before they fit him, and insist on wearing them.) Well, it causes my boy to trip. And veer. And... clomp.

Also, you know how I've been talking about Mary lately? No, not gossiping, the Blessed Virgin Mary. How I've never cultivated a relationship with her? How I kind of always thought I should go right to the Big Guy, skip the middleman, all that? And then you mention again recently how all of these great saints and mystics and wonderful people throughout history have talked about how wonderful she is? How beautiful, how powerful, the Highway to God, etc.? Gosh, how there's an entire Litany to her? So finally I start thinking, "Hey, Dummy. These people probably know better than you. (And, by the way, I bet Jesus is just tickled when we love his Beloved Mother.)"

So I start in. Tentatively at first. Asking timidly, feeling the water. Not sure how I feel about Mothers. Asking her for her help in getting to know her. Getting to (gulp) love her. (I know, ok! I'm on some very low loooooow levels of spirituality here.) And what does she do?

She says to me, "Hold my hand."

... gaping...

... crickets...

I am stunned right down to my toes. Let me splain. I am so much like Bert. All willful in my big shoes, clomping around making messes. And when I trip? Well, now I don't have to worry about falling flat on my nose, rolling around in the dirt kicking and screaming. She's holding my hand, so I don't fall far at all. My Gentle Mother scoops me up, puts me back on my feet and tells me to keep running. Heck, she runs with me!

We have the same goal, after all.

with much love and joy,

Hook

It's Most Uncanny...

The way that God gives us just what we need, right when we need it... if we're willing to take it. When I was waking up at night, fearing the devil, what is in my scriptural reading for the next morning? Luke 4:37-44. Jesus heals a possessed boy. "'O unbelieving and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you and put up with you?"... But Jesus rebuked the unclean spirit and healed the boy, and restored him to his father. And all were astounded at the majesty of God."

Wow. Ok, good reminder.

And again today, after I've been having trouble keeping up with my daily prayers: "...The Lord loveth a cheerful giver; and it is far better to give Him one minute cheerfully than ten minutes under duress."(M. Eugene Boylan, O. Cist. R., This Tremendous Lover)

Spell it out for me, God. Spell it out.

Happy birthday to my hilarious, sweet, rappin' nephew, Joseph. Four makes a big boy. I love you.

No More Mister Lame Guy... Girl

Dear Fagin,

Whoa.

Whoa.

It's been almost two months. Our reading public must be in despair! Abandoned and alone. Confused and constipated.

Or oblivious.

Because we have no public. The public deserves better than us. S'part of why I haven't written in so long... I just didn't have nothin' good to say. First there was that weird funk. And then those three or four weeks of 90 degree weather when I never went outside or opened my curtains and sat huddled in my sweaty house in the dark thinking bad thoughts. It was a serious case of SAD (that's Seasonal Affective Disorder... I think), which is weird because I thought that could only happen in the Winter.

And then! And then September came and with it the wind that blew the stink and the SAD away. We've had the most gorgeous series of sparkling cool days I can remember. My windows are open. Almost all the time. We go to the park and the zoo again. I see sky. And it is good! More than the change in the weather, though, it's the change of heart. God is changing it. He's been trying for ages and I just wasn't letting him. I'm trying to let him now, and dang! but He is good. Seriously, I was waaaaay underestimating the Guy. So here are a few of my resolutions.

Today I will give glory to God.

Today I will not think of myself. All. The. Time. Ok, I won't after I'm done with this post. Dang.

Today I will talk to my son. I will take him outside to play. I will tell him how much I love him.

Today I will say thank you. Thank you thank you thank you!

I will not make mystery slop for dinner.

I will be patient.

I will smile. And maybe laugh. And definitely sing.

Today my husband will know that I appreciate him. Because I'll tell him. And show him.

I will go to mass (missed it this morning... sometimes a girl's got to shave her legs).

I will not mope, or feel sorry for myself (why is that one especially hard?).

I will clean my house. With a joyful spirit.

I will be reminded over and over that I could do none of this by myself. That none of the credit is mine. That this is all a gift. All of it.

Today I will say thank you (sincerely!) for my small crosses. Especially for the gift of infertility. I never thought I would be able to do that. But with Him all things are possible.

Today is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be GLAD!

Slap-happily yours,

Hook