No, it is. I do it all the time. I start thinking something self-pitying or blaming, and pretty soon I'm sprinting down that path, and then the path tilts dangerously downhill, and putting on the breaks is damn near impossible. Before I know it I am full-on wallowing and it takes herculean effort to get back on track.
God forbid I cause that in anybody else. Woof.
Even though I do sometimes. But that's another issue on its own.
But here's the thing. Writing (or talking) about struggles doesn't mean that I have somehow "fallen". It doesn't mean I'm weak or bad. Quite a lot of other things mean I'm weak and bad, but not that.
So here goes: I am having a hard time. With infertility. With wifing, mothering, housekeeping, daughtering, sistering, creating, and sanctifying. I am bad at it all. Sometimes in shifts, sometimes all at once. Sometimes I am the Warrior Goddess of Infertility Saintliness. Sometimes, for about five minutes. Sometimes I have things organized and lovely, and manage to be cheerful to my family on top of it all. But mostly I don't. Mostly I screw things up, and wonder why I screw things up, especially the same things, damn it.
Damn it damn it.
I think a lot about the saints. So many saints. People who were not born saints, and (in many cases) were not even close to being saints for much of their lives. People whose saintliness is made up of hundreds and thousands of tiny, tough decisions to say yes. Yes to suffering, yes to weakness, yes to disappointment and fear and frustration, and stupid freaking annoying people. Most of us don't have that once-in-a-lifetime chance to prove our love for God through martyrdom. I probably won't, and thank goodness. Because I can hardly give up second helpings.
Nope, the most I hope for is that I can say "yes" to Our Lord more than I say "no". In the tiny, unseen moments of every day. I'm doing really badly so far. But He can't make me a saint if I start out as one, can He?
Oof. So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to try to write more often. More often than once a year. Even if I don't have anything especially inspired to say. People who are inspired all the time are just as boring as those who never are, right?
